Luck's Fried Apples

I did a double-take on this week's entry when I saw it in the store.  Fried apples on their own are a bit odd, but fried apples in a can?  Fat free fried apples?  I'm no culinary expert, but doesn't frying something involve a little, y'know, fat?

But hey, I thought maybe there was some authentic southern magic to go with that authentic southern taste.  So even though the picture on the label doesn't make it look much different than apple pie filling I thought I would give it a try.

Price: $1.40

Preparation Time: None

I don't know how people in the south eat their fried apples, but I toasted up a frozen waffle and scooped on a portion.  I was a bit worried because the apples were translucent.  Is that what frying-without-fat does to an apple?  They tasted as awful as they looked -- the juice they were in was watery and they were completely lacking in flavor.  I finished the waffle -- I didn't want it to be sacrificed in vain -- but there's no way I'm going to finish the 2.3 servings left in the can. 

Notable Nutrition: Fat free, but that's not good for a fried food.

Verdict:  The people of the south should be authentically offended.  Ugh.  2/10 stars.

Cofresh Lentil Chips, Tomato & Basil

Proving you can make a snack food out of anything.

I suppose it was inevitable.  Not satisfied with the simple potato chip, people have created corn chips, rice chips, sweet potato chips, chips made out of various vegetables -- all of which come in half a dozen or more flavors.  So why would anyone be surprised when someone looked at the humble lentil and thought, "Hey, I bet I could make a chip out of that?"

Price: $2.00

Preparation Time: None

It turns out these are a perfectly fine snack chip.  There's a certain lightness to them, almost like a corn chip that's baked instead of fried (and has that miserable "I'm dieting!" feeling to them) but it started to grow on me as I chowed through my carefully measured serving size.  The tomato and basil flavoring was rich and zesty but also tasted exactly like the tomato and basil flavoring on the Wheat Thins in our cupboard.  Apparently the way things work in the snack chip world is to come up with a new template on which to spray the common flavors that processed food producers have determined are the key to success.  I'm sure they're the ones making the real money in all this.  Doesn't matter to them whether you're dipping wheat, corn, potato, rice, lentil or something else entirely in flavoring, as long as it's their flavoring.

Notable Nutrition:  Gluten free!  I didn't even know what gluten was until two years ago.  Now it's as popular as acid rain.  However, the package warns you there may be trace elements of milk/dairy products, nuts, sesame seeds and wheat, so if you're serving them to kids keep your EpiPen handy.

Verdict:  Yummy, even if the flavoring isn't unique.  I'll finish the bag, which is more than I can say about last week's entry.  8/10 stars.

Original Foods Marshmallow Strawberries

Maybe you should consider real strawberries?

Full disclosure: I am not a fan of marshmallows.  The only time I enjoy eating them is after toasting them golden brown and squishing them between some graham crackers and chocolate.  I don't even like them in cocoa - they always melt too fast.

But when someone takes a basic marshmallow, colors it pink and rolls it in pink granular sugar and tries to sell it as a fruit-flavored snack, I'm in.

Price: $1.00

Preparation Time: None

You pay your dollar, rip in and enjoy.  Don't get too greedy, though.  There's a mistake on the bag which states that a serving size is twelve pieces.  After a bit of basic counting and weighing it became clear a serving size is really six pieces.  If you chowed them down twelve at a time you probably wondered where the heck the other serving and a half went.  I guess the FDA was asleep at the switch... probably passed out from a sugary strawberry induced coma.

Notable Nutrition: Despite being over 50% sugar, the lightness of the marshmallow keeps a serving down to a mere 100 calories.  If these had caught on we might have seen them in some of those popular single-serving snack packs.

Verdict: Like most candy, these don't taste like real strawberries but they have the familiar taste of what passes for strawberry in the processed food world.  Yes, I may not like marshmallows but I can't recommend these to someone who does.  There's a reason Peeps are only for sale around Easter.  5/10 stars.

Nutrisystem Chocolate Chocolate Chip Pudding

Pudding - now in inconvenient powder form!

One more time around the Nutrisystem block...

This week's entry is considerably less strange than a hot dog sitting on a shelf at room temperature.  There's nothing particularly remarkable about chocolate pudding in and of itself, even chocolate pudding with little chocolate chips in it.

Price: $0.25

Another item from my four-for-a-dollar haul.  It wouldn't make a lot of sense to pay a dollar for this when you can get boxes of similar stuff that will provide four servings instead of one (little chocolate chips not included, though).

Preparation Time: Less than five minutes

One look at the package and you'll see what's odd about this item.  It's a pudding mix that you have to prepare yourself.  Find a bowl, dump in the powder, add 1/2 cup of skim milk, stir vigorously for a couple of minutes (it took a while for the powder to dissolve in the milk, but any kid who grew up with Nestle Quik is going to be right at home), let set for another minute, and then enjoy.  Okay, but did anyone tell the inventors of Nutrisystem that there are individually sized pudding cups?  They're cheap and come four to a packages.  Lots of different flavors, too.  Why would anyone go to this much work to whip up a bowl of instant pudding?

Notable Nutrition: This has more protein in it (6 grams) than last week's hot dog (5 grams).

Taste: Kind of blah.  The pudding was thick but lacking in flavor.  The chips added some texture but I don't think chocolate chips were meant to be crunchy.

Verdict: If you find them on sale and love to stir chocolate powder into milk, go nuts.  Otherwise you'll be better off with the pudding cups.  4/10 stars.

Nutrisystem Turkey Hot Dog

When I think weight loss, I think hot dogs.

Our first item is the Nutrisystem Turkey Hot Dog, a hot dog in a box that doesn't require refrigeration.  I did a double-take at that.  Even the best hot dogs are kind of sketchy -- do you really trust one that has been sitting on a warm shelf for weeks?

Given the size of the box you might think you were getting a five-pack, but no.  There's just a single lonely dog in there.  On the bright side, you are cheerfully informed that the hot dog is "Perfectly Portioned for Weight Loss".

Price:  $0.25

Don't be fooled by the sticker on the box.  Our store was having a 4-for-a-dollar sale on certain Nutrisystem food items.  Imagine how little it will cost to fill your cupboard with these puppies!  For what it's worth, I also tried the Nutrisystem Butter Popcorn (funky) and Snack Mix (pretty normal) along with a product I'll review next week.

What's in there?  Would you eat it?

Preparation Time: 30 seconds

Thankfully the hot dog comes in an air-tight plastic wrapper.  It's too much to hope that it will be fresh, but at least there's a chance it won't be fatal.  Rip it open, pop it in the microwave for 30 seconds and you'll have... a warm hot dog.  The instructions tell you to "Enjoy on a small whole grain roll (not included)".  Why stop there?  Why not "Enjoy on a small whole grain roll with chili made from grass-fed beef and a salad of organic vegetables washed down with a glass of freshly squeezed lemonade (not included)". 

Notable Nutrition: There are only 80 calories, which isn't bad.  Still, I'm a little wary of any meat that has more fat (6 grams) than protein (5 grams).

Taste: It smelled weird coming out of the plastic, but after heating it, sticking it in a piece of bread and dumping some ketchup, mustard and relish on it it really wasn't much different from most hot dogs I've had.

Verdict: I expected a lot worse.  5/10 stars.

Welcome

When you introduce 8,236 new food products a year¹, some of them are bound to fail.  Perhaps they have a radical new taste the public isn't ready for, or they're an odd twist on an old favorite that doesn't catch on.  Cheap ingredients might do them in.  Or maybe they're just plain weird.

This blog is a celebration of food products that didn't make it.  They haven't been seen in mainstream supermarkets for weeks.  Before disappearing from the store shelves entirely, they count off their last days in discount stores.  If you actually like any of them you better stock up -- it's unlikely you'll ever see them again.

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¹ I totally made that number up.